This blog has become an outlet for me. A place where I can share my talent and the special moments of my life. This is my first personal blog post about a moment in my life that changed me forever. It’s about my first loss. My first pregnancy. My first exciting moment with my husband. My first devastating moment with my husband.
As you all might know. I am a Jesus follower. I call myself that because people like to put Christians in the “religion/Christian” box. For me it’s about a relationship with God not a religion. My husband and I grew up in Christian homes with Christian parents. We were raised right but in our middle school through high school years we steered away from it. When we got together we were both working on changing our lives for the better. Now we are married and so strong in our walk with the Lord.
This post is about having faith in our God. I tell everyone that with Jesus your life won’t be perfect. You will have loss, ups and downs, and struggles. BUT with Jesus you will have a new life. You will see things differently. Your life will change drastically. God will bless you and bless you… and then keep blessing you when you feel like you don’t deserve it. You will still have bad things happen. Struggles. Sometimes you will think your life is over but that’s when God wants you to turn to him and ask him for guidance. He allows your struggles to happen to grow you and strengthen you. To build your testimony so you can help others going through what you’ve been through and to make you need him. He gives me strength, peace, hope, courage, and the perseverance to get through my struggles. Life can be so hard but the beauty of life is all the struggle, the pain, the happiness and joys. The ups and downs make life beautiful. We are all in this journey together!
I am 24 years old and my husband is 22. Yes we are young but we have our ducks in a row. We own our own home. We have our own cars that we earned with our own money. We have no debt (He’s a saver… thank goodness!) . After a year of marriage we felt like we were missing something and we knew we wanted children. After going back and forth deciding to have children… not knowing if it was the right time… we decided to go for it. We could afford it and my husband’s job would allow me to quit my job. We had a huge peace about it and felt like God was giving us the thumbs up!
In this story I have to add that before we started trying for a baby I had a history of not having periods. From the age I was when I started my period they were always irregular. I would have really long cycles or non at all. I never knew when my period was going to start. It was very frustrating. I decided to go on birth control to regulate everything. That was my doctors answer. Without doing any testing to find out what was wrong with my body they just told me it happens and here’s your solution. A few years ago I decided to quit taking birth control and see if I could be regular and healthy on my own. Nope! My periods actually stopped. I didn’t have one for 8 months. It was so odd to me. My doctor FINALLY ran some blood work and I was told that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Which was something I had never heard of. My body’s hormones were imbalanced. They told me my pituitary gland wasn’t able to communicate very well with my ovaries. The pituitary gland is the “master gland” in your body. It’s located in the base of your brain and sends important hormones all over your body. It communicates with your entire body and it’s hormones. So it pretty much tells your ovaries to release certain hormones. The hormones you need that help you have a period and create babies. They told me my best option was to go back on the pill (birth control which gives you synthetic hormones) and when we were ready to have kids to come back in and talk about other hormone options that would allow us to get pregnant. So I got back on the pill.
After being married, working on our home, growing as a couple, and working our lives away we decided it was time. Well funny story… I was ready. He wasn’t. I had extreme baby fever. He had extreme worry about our finances. We were doing great but he wanted more money saved at the time. Until one night during dinner he told me he was ready. Of course that’s what I wanted to hear! I was so happy but then all of a sudden fear entered my brain. You always want what you can’t have and then when someone tells you that you can have something you don’t want it. Maybe thats just me… Yes I wanted a baby but then I thought holy crap! Are we actually ready for this? Weeks went by and after going back and forth in my head I was finally truly ready.
That mean’t going back to the doctors and discussing a fertility plan. It sounded so simple. Get off the pill. Find a medication that would work for me and help me get pregnant. Boom. Done. We’re pregnant. Yeah… that didn’t happen. I tried the first medication they said would work great. It was called Metformin. They told me it was the most common medication women with PCOS would take to become pregnant. After a few weeks of taking it I ended up in the ER with terrible side affects (which my doctor told me never happens!). After that experience of feeling like I was going to die I was a mess. I had lost hope. I felt like there was no way I would have a period… no way I could have a baby. My doctor listed more options we could try. More medications that had more side affects and would cost a lot more. I would pray and ask God for direction. Why me? Why is it so easy for others to get pregnant and have normal periods? Some women don’t even want a baby and they accidentally have one. I never thought I would be one of those girls who couldn’t become pregnant. It was devastating.
I was so frustrated but wasn’t going to give up. I wanted to have a period on my own and not need any medicine. I wanted to trust God and not rely on anything or anyone else. I thought God is always in control and can do miracles so why not try his way first? So guess what. I decided no more pills. No more doctors. I’m going to trust God and hope and pray I had a period on my own. Seemed pretty unrealistic (well to some people) but that was my mindset. One day when I went to work I was feeling down and depressed. Just one of those days. I had a coworker much older than me who I didn’t know was a Christian at the time. She knew something was wrong. We got to talking and she took my hand and asked if she could pray for me. Now picture this! I was working in a grocery/discount store… people walking around shopping… I didn’t want to get in trouble (if you can even get in trouble for praying in a store) but of course I told her yes! I needed prayer badly. We were in the clothing isle and she pulled me into a rack of clothes. It was funny but awesome at the same time. She prayed the most amazing prayer I had ever heard. She prayed for healing over my body and told me I was healed. After the prayer she told me in a firm voice, “Do not think anymore of this! God has healed you and you are healed. Now believe this and move forward.” Hearing her say this to me I thought no way… but then I chose to believe her. I mean why not? Couldn’t hurt anything and God once said, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20) Her firm voice made me believe it and I felt it. It might sound insane to some of you but after a few weeks can you guess what happened?… I started my period. On my own. No pills. I did have doubts. Some small doubts but I did believe it could happen. I was extremely happy, amazed, and shocked. I thought why am I shocked? I should of trusted and known this was going to happen because we asked for God’s healing. Then I thought well this is only one time. Surely this won’t happen again. One month later I started my period again. 3 months later… the same. It was truly a miracle!
After the prayer she told me in a firm voice, “Do not think anymore of this! God has healed you and you are healed. Now believe this and move forward.”
A couple of months later for some reason I kept having this weird cramping feeling. I knew it wasn’t normal because I had never felt it before. It happened only two times. So I went and saw my doctor again. They did an ultrasound to check my ovaries and make sure everything was okay. After my ultrasound I spoke with my doctor and she had the funniest look on her face. A face of disbelief and confusion but also joy. She had asked me how I was doing and if I was still trying for a baby. I told her yes and that I had started my period 3 times in a row on my own. I was also wondering if I still needed medicine and if my ovaries were okay. She looked at me and said, “Nope! You seem to be doing great. Your ovaries look great. I saw no cysts (women with PCOS usually have tons of small cysts in their ovaries). You’re a young healthy woman and it seems to me like you could have a baby easily if you wanted to. Hopefully next time I see you you’ll be pregnant?!”
Long story short! We started trying right away and a few weeks later I took a test and we were pregnant! First time trying. When does that ever happen? We thought it would take us years. It felt like a dream. The moment I had waited for. My husband and I both felt like it wasn’t real. Honestly It never felt real. I ate right. Rested all the time. Took care of myself. My belly started to grow. We knew that if I got pregnant and it was such a struggle that this was all God’s plan and meant to be. We were ecstatic. We couldn’t keep it a secret. We told our family, friends and social media. It was really happening!
I started on our nursery, bought maternity clothes, shopped at the grocery store for healthier foods and started researching more about babies. I had an app on my phone that would keep track of how many weeks I was.
Each week felt like it went by so slow. Mostly because I had terrible morning sickness. I don’t know why they call it “morning” sickness. I was sick all day everyday. It was the worst. So bad that I actually quit my part time job. Luckily God has provided an amazing job for my husband that has allowed me to be a stay at home mom. It is such a blessing! Anywho, this baby thing was finally starting to set in. I was finally at 10 weeks and was feeling better mentally because I knew in a few weeks the sickness would go away. At least that’s what I was told. At 10 weeks we were allowed to finally have our first ultrasound. SO NERVE WRECKING. Why? Because you don’t know If the baby is okay, if it has a disorder, if it’s safe… You’re also full of so much excitement because it’s the first time you get to see your little one and know it’s safe and healthy! My husband never takes work off. He just doesn’t. He works too much. He has never missed a day. Somehow (It’s a God thing) he was able to leave work for awhile to be at the ultrasound. He didn’t even have to ask. His bosses weren’t at work that day so they didn’t care. That morning it was myself, Cody and my mom sitting in the waiting room. I was shaking like a leaf… I was worrying so much. For some reason I kept feeling like what if they look inside me and there’s nothing there. That was the reoccurring thought I had. Just a terrible empty feeling. I even had dreams about it. When all of a sudden our wedding song came on… weird right? Calmed me down before we went into the room.
We got all set up in the room and the ultrasound tech did the outer ultrasound. We couldn’t see anything so she tried the internal one. It’s hard for me to think and talk about this part. After anxiously waiting to see we finally saw our baby. There was only one (everyone thought I was having twins). It looked so lonely in there all by itself. We were all so excited and happy and just feeling tons of emotions. Seeing your baby for the first time is the most amazing thing you will ever experience. We were so excited we didn’t even notice something really important… A few seconds later the tech said, “I have some bad news. I don’t see a heartbeat.” I remember feeling this tightening in my chest and trying to process what she said. I felt like I was in a movie. Like something like this could never happen to me. My life is great. My God is always blessing us. How could this happen? After everything I just went through? It didn’t make any sense. As the tech kept taking pictures for the doctor we all were frozen just staring up at the screen. That was our real life baby inside me. Not moving. No heartbeat. How come we didn’t realize it when we first saw it? I thought maybe she was going to tell us it had a disorder. Worse. It wasn’t even alive. That’s the only thing that gets me emotional to this day. The picture in my head of that ultrasound. Both my mom and the tech left the room and my husband just held me. We lost it.
We walked out of the building and just cried and cried. My husband had to go back to work which was terrifying for me. I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t want him to be alone dealing with everything. I had a lunch date scheduled right after with my sister, mom and mother-in-law. It was planned so after we had the ultrasound we could share the great news with them. Knowing we didn’t have great news to share I still wanted to see them. I didn’t want to be alone. When I met up with them they both saw me and knew. We all immediately started crying. My advice for anyone who is going through a miscarriage. Don’t be alone. Surround yourself with love and family. Grieve. Get it all out. It is therapeutic and letting it all out needs to happen for you to move forward.
After lunch I had to head back to see my doctor and talk about the ultrasound. My mom and mother-in-law went with me. I had cried so much I finally had my emotions controlled and went into the room with my head held high. I felt like I had been kicked on the ground and I wasn’t going to let this whole thing stop me from having a child. I wasn’t going to be defeated. I was now angry and wanted to fight back. A lot of people would blame God but he wasn’t who I was blaming. I guess I didn’t have anyone to blame. I just knew I wasn’t going to let satan take my happiness. I wasn’t going to let him win. My faith in God will never change and nothing bad that ever happens to me will ever outweigh all the abundant blessings God has given to me throughout my life. My life is great. Everything about it is wonderful. So one bad thing will never change my heart and my way of thinking. Anywho, my doctor gave me two options. She said my body had no idea it miscarried (it was a shock to me too!). It was a silent miscarriage. Made sense because I showed no symptoms and still felt pregnant. She said the baby passed at 8 weeks 4 days and I thought I was 10 weeks. Nothing was wrong with me and it wasn’t my fault. Something just went wrong and our baby stopped developing. 1 in 4 women have miscarriages all over the world just because something didn’t go right when the baby was developing. My two options were: to miscarry on my own which would be highly dangerous because of how far along I was or have a D&C (dilation and curettage which is a procedure to remove tissue from inside your uterus). I looked over at both my moms and the sadness on their faces was horrible. They were looking at me like it was up to me but they still couldn’t believe the baby was gone. I knew. I saw my baby on that ultrasound not moving. No heartbeat. I was ready to say goodbye. I knew it’s soul was in heaven. It’s body was still inside me (most uncomfortable feeling ever) and I was ready to let it go. I chose the D&C and they scheduled my surgery 3 days later.
In those 3 days my husband and I grieved and grieved. Nights were the worst. I would sob and I hated it because it would make him cry but it was uncontrollable. On the day of the surgery I wasn’t sad anymore. God had brought me peace. That’s the thing about God. He brings you this amazing peace. Amazing hope. Amazing strength. I was actually excited to move forward because I knew from struggles in the past that when God gets you through that pain and struggle the after is the most amazing thing ever. Like my favorite quote “The best is yet to come!” My surgery went great and in 2 days I was back to my normal self. My prego hormones were completely gone. It’s amazing how our bodies change so fast.
It’s been 4 weeks since finding out about my miscarriage and having the surgery. I am doing great! Which is so funny to me when people hear about my miscarriage they say their condolences and I have a big smile on my face… They look at me like I’m a crazy person or something is wrong with me because I’m not sad.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Moral of my story… which is still being written… I am where I am today because of my Father in heaven. This miscarriage did not turn me astray or make me turn my back on God. My faith has grown stronger. Instead of running away from God I drew nearer to him and he drew nearer to me. My marriage and relationship with my husband has grown stronger and we are closer than ever! My family and I are closer. I am a stronger person. I feel like I can go through anything and I will be just fine. I don’t know why some things happen but I do know that God brings good out of everything. I’ve been able to share my story with the world. Help other women through their dark times. Bring hope to others and make tons of new friends! Of course I wanted a baby and I still do but I accept what happened and I’m moving forward. I trust God’s plans for me and my husband. So far they have been nothing short of amazing! I could go on and on but you can stop me there.
If you’re still with me! I just want to say thank you for reading and taking the time to learn more about me. If you or someone you know has had a miscarriage you can send them my way! I would love to talk with them or answer any questions.